The Velvet Death
by Ladyfirestar
Summary: After the terrible battle with Galaxia, Usagi, who's constantly been trapped in an universe of hate, lies, evil, betrayal, anger, everlasting love, and horrible fear, tries desperatly to find release from her constant peranoia that a new enemy will emerg


The Velvet Death   
  
How long...How long will this fake sense of peace last...I'm tired of playing dumb, why don't they wake up and see what's going on, or are they playing the fool because they don't want to upset me.   
  
"...to come see a movie with us?"   
  
Usagi was shaken from her musings when she caught the end of a question Rei had voiced to her.  
  
"Huh" She asked stupidly, mentally kicking herself for not paying attention.   
  
"I asked if you wanted to call Minako even though it's getting kinda late and ask her if she wanted to come see a movie with us." Rei said.  
  
"Oh sure, is everyone else busy?"  
  
"Yeah. Remember? I already told you that ten minuets ago, or where you not listening to me then also?"  
  
Usagi winced at the annoyed tone of her friend's voice. "Sure I was listening to you, I...er...I just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly that's all." She slapped on a goofy smile to punctuate her response. Great response idiot.  
  
"Sure...fine Usagi" Rei mumbled dubiously. "Um....You know you can talk to me about anything right? Or, what I'm really trying to say is...well.... if something's bothering you,... you...erm...know you can talk to me right?"  
  
Shit, she didn't buy it... but what did you expect dumbass, she's only been around you for five whole damn years. "Of course I know I can talk to you about anything Rei! You're one of my closest friends. But really, I'm fine. Just a bit tired. Ya know, from school and the like."  
  
Rei chucked softly to herself. "Grades are one of the few things that you have improved on over the years."  
  
"Hey!" Usagi growled in mock anger. "I've improved of lots of things!"  
  
"Oh....like what?"  
  
"Fighting technique"   
  
"Yeah. Now you know how to run behind one of us faster than ever during a battle!" Rei said, eyes twinkling before bursting into laugher a moment later.  
  
"Why you!" Usagi said, only partly paying attention to her friend's words. That's it...forget Rei...forget about asking me what's wrong. You don't need to know about my paranoia, not until I'm sure something is going to happen. Why shatter your happiness too... What...why...why the Hell am I fucking doing this to my self!! What's wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this. Why torment myself over phantom demons. Galaxia's defeated, we're through fighting. Where' s the daydreaming bubblegum girl I used to be? Was she killed along the way in one of our countless battles? I want her back...I want it back...I want back that simpleness...my normal crazy stupid self that was stolen from me...I want it back...I want it all fucking back...  
  
"Usagi!" Rei growled. "Your not paying attention again!"   
  
"Sorry" Usagi said half heatedly. She didn't have the strength to fight with Rei today.   
  
"Are you sure nothing's wrong?"  
  
For just a moment that ever present smile Usagi wore as a mask faltered before it was slipped back in place.   
  
"You know what?" She said cheerfully. "I'm feeling kinda ill, I think I'll call it a day. Sorry bout the movie. We'll do it some other time kay? Say hi to Rei for me." Giving Rei a smile she darted away, before the other girl had time to react.  
  
Usagi...what's wrong...why don't you let someone past your fake façade. Find someone to talk to about your problems Usagi...whatever they may be...even if it isn't me...I have a feeling something's going to snap...   
  
Usagi charged down the sidewalk at a neck breaking speed, trying to outrun the demons that plagued her mind. Stupid stupid girl...you know there're still be there when you stop... Stupid fucking girl... She tried reasoning with herself, using logic as a way to point out that they'd gone up against the strongest force in the universe and won. Still though, the thoughts that somehow it wasn't over clamored in the back of her mind, a dull reminder of the heartache and pain that would inevitably return. Great job Usagi you moron! You've turned into a paranoid wackjob.   
  
She continued running, not really caring or realizing where she was going. People and things sped by, blurring and merging together in one big terrifying fucked up portrait of her so called life. Still it all went by unnoticed, for the demons in her mind swallowed everything up, leaving nothing more than a gigantic void of gigantic insuppressible fear.   
  
I have to protect them...my team...we're stronger than blood...I won't let anything happen to them...or all these people on this earth...not ever again. But...Galaxia...she almost ended up killing me too... If I hadn't won...if I hadn't... it...it would have been the end...I would have let them down...But...But...But I won!! And she's the most powerful senshi in the universe, so...so why am I worried. What am I worried about in the first place? There can't be a more powerful force in the universe than her? Can there...I just...I wish... why can't I...I just wish I knew for surGAAA! Usagi let out a strangled gasp as she banged into someone, lost her balance, and started falling backward. Arms flying wildly, the blond tried desperately to stay upright, accidentally hitting whomever she bumped into in the process.   
  
Usagi, who ended sprawled on the sidewalk after hitting the ground with an unceremonious thud, groaned and rubbed her head. Waiting for the slight disorientation that accompanied her fall to fade, she slowly lifted herself from the floor. Only when a pair of shoes came into view did thoughts about the person she ran into enter her mind.  
  
Aw shit! I hope who ever that was isn't hurt. Getting to her feet Usagi bowed and apologized profusely until a familiar voice cut threw her babble. It had to be someone I know to, how embarrassing.   
  
"What's so important that it would send you racing down the street at such speeds Usagi?"  
  
"Michiru! Ah! I'm sorry ! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bang into you!" Usagi said, trying to sound as sincere as her aching head would allow.   
  
"Relax, I saw you from a few yards away and had time to dodge...well mostly at least." The blue haired girl ended her statement with a smile.  
  
"Well I'm sorry anyway, I...I had something on my mind and wasn't really paying attention. Ya know me, always the klutz." Usagi giggled, a stark contrast of the dark emotions flowing inside her mind.   
  
"Do I look like a fool to you?" Michiru asked.  
  
"What!"   
  
"I said do I look like a fool to you?"  
  
"No no! I heard what you said. But why...what makes you say something like that?"  
  
"Your obviously really upset over something."  
  
"You're wrong! I'm fine! Just tired that's all!"  
  
"Oh please. I've known you for several years now Usagi. You can't hide your emotions from me, or any of the sailor soldiers for that matter. We all know you to well."   
  
Usagi opened her mouth but no reply came out. Michiru was right, how could she hide what she was feeling from the very people who knew her better than their very selves? Still, she'd try her best to. Why bring them into her own personal hell?   
  
But Michiru...she's so mature, all the outer senshi are. But...It's not that the inners aren't...it's just that...Michiru...Haruka...Setsuna...Hotaru...they were all so ruthless in battle, sacrificing their own and each other's lives in an instant if it would help their goal... Michiru...she...she must understand what I'm going through. Maybe it's happening to her too...this paranoid feeling that the battles haven't really stopped.   
  
"Hey... Michiru?" Usagi asked, mentally cringing when she saw a clock across the street, realizing she'd left the other girl standing there without so much as a response for over ten minuets. Great way to start out a deep conversation genius! Leave her standing there bored out of her mind.  
  
"what?"  
  
"No, never mind, I...er... It was nothing..."   
  
" Really?" Michiru pressed.  
  
"Well...do you ever...I don't know, worry that...well it's not...things are...that this peace is fake?" Usagi stared at Michiru helplessly, hoping she'd understand what she was trying to say.   
  
Michiru looked at Usagi with warm understanding eyes. "I know how you feel, that it can't be real, that this fragile seeming peace had to end sooner or later." She paused. "But you have to remember Usagi, being a soldier can't rule your life, that's the mistake Haruka and I made.   
  
The blond recalled somewhere in the back of her mind that Michiru was still referring to everyone being a sailor senshi. Michiru...don't you know that sailor senshi are just an echo of our past lives...at least... at least I think they are.  
  
"You have to let go, even if it is hard, otherwise you'll never have peace of mind." The older girl continued. "You'll always have that urge to transform and help that man being robbed or that little girl who was kidnapped. And all of that is fine. Just remember though, you can't sit around your entire life waiting for the next enemy to pop up. That's no way to live, I found that out the hard way."  
  
Usagi nodded. "Michiru...have you...have you realized that none of us have even lived yet? We've all been to busy saving others and ourselves, we haven't breathed."  
  
Michiru sighed. "No, that's not true, we have lived, just a different life than other people do. We couldn't ever be carefree."  
  
"We can now though?" Usagi asked. "Can we really, don't you think that's selfish? There's so much hurt, don't you think we should do everything in our power to end it, even if it does mean   
sacrificing our freedom? What if a new enemy emerges, shouldn't we be ready for it?"  
  
"If you only focus on saving the world and the senshi from the next great evil power that might appear, you won't accomplish anything. You'll be too busy and upset to notice all the many small problems to be solved at hand, like people who need love and care that are in our immediate lives. You don't have to be a sailor senshi to protect people Usagi. Work on the little things first and then the bigger. Evil has always been present, and it doesn't have to come in the form of a new enemy. It's just way more subtle than the kind we're used to." Michiru stared down at the blond. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"   
  
"Yes...I..I guess I do....... In a way." Usagi replied.   
  
"Good" Michiru said. "That's good..."   
  
"Well...I...er...I um I..." Usagi stumbled over her words.  
  
"You know," Michiru chose her words carefully. "There's an old proverb that says a still scene will help clear one's mind. The view of the sunset off the lake behind where Mugan used to be is gorgeous at dusk. I used to go there all the time before it was destroyed and before the final battle with the Deathbusters to think or just be alone. Why don't you go check it out? I know there's nothing but a pile of rubble to sit on now, but I'm sure it won't affect the view. Maybe it'll help smooth your emotions."  
  
"Mugan.." Usagi said. "Yeah....yeah that sound's like a good idea, thanks Michiru." Mugan...it seems like so long ago that we fought against the Deathbusters...anther lifetime ago, when in reality it was only a few years. We've all come so far since then...  
  
"Well, by Usagi, I'll see you around later then." Michiru said while turning to leave.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Um...thanks Michiru, for listening to me."  
  
"Of course"  
  
Usagi watched as Michiru walked down the sidewalk. She carries herself so well, even after everything she's been though. How do you do it Michiru? How do you keep that unbreakable composure of yours, even when you were dying at Galaxia's hand you still had it...how... how is that possible...weren't you afraid of death?  
  
Pushing the dark memories about her battle with Galaxia to the back of her mind, Usagi thought once more about what Michiru had said. " If you only focus on saving the world and the senshi from the next great evil power that might appear, you won't accomplish anything. You'll be too busy and upset to notice all the many small problems to be solved at hand..."   
  
"She's right." Usagi said to herself. "About what I'm focusing on..."  
  
Hm...she said the sunset's great from the remains of Mugan...Looking west Usagi could already see the sun's yellow rays beginning to turn red and bleed into the horizon. Why not...it's not like I have anything else to do, but then again...I'm not sure I wanna go, Mugan...it's a reminder of my past...but still...  
  
After a few long moments of mentally debating Usagi finally decided to take Michiru's advise and began walking towards Mugan. It was only a short ways before the familiar rubble came into view, sitting peacefully, still as death, and just as deep. They still haven't rebuilt Mugan...maybe more people than just me see this place as sacred too.   
  
Reaching a particularly large pile of ruble the blond began to climb up to the top. Bit by bit, inch by inch, through a scraped knee and elbow, still, she went on, compelled by some strange force, she had to see...she had to see hope...hope in the form of something lovely.   
  
It was all worth it when she reached the top though. Usagi never thought she could fathom something so beautiful. The sun, which had sunk halfway under the lake, spilled it's light across the surface, luminating it and causing an almost ethereal feeling. I wouldn't be surprised to see an angel dancing across the lake. The rays also reached the shore, creating strange weird lovely patterns of shadows from the pieces and chunks of rubble scattered about.   
  
Somewhere during the time that she had sat there, staring that the majestic site, Usagi had regained her composure. The white-hot light streamed into her very soul, causing it to shimmer and glow, revitalized with hope.   
  
What ever happens...what ever enemy we...I...may go up against, I'll triumph... nothing...not all the evil in the universe can defeat the power of one's pure heart...   
  
End Part One  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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